Well, it appears I am at "that" part of building my healing practice where old beliefs, fears and insecurities around money, success and commitment are bursting out of the underworld and coming to the surface. Not exactly a pleasant part of the journey!
In some ways I feel like I am living in this dichotomy of two different forces at the same time. I'm receiving one message to progress slowly - with gentleness, moving as the wind shapes the dunes; and at the same time, I am being encouraged to step out BIG time past my comfort zones. I know Spirit is telling me this is all integral right now. To dance the energies of both worlds. So, I trust. I dance AND I fall. I can tell ya' that I have had a couple days where I felt pretty close to crashing and drowning....even felt urges to punch my fist in to a brick wall!! (and THAT intensity of anger is something I am totally unfamiliar with. This is some deep-rooted shit coming out!).
Not easy choosing my wiser conscious Self when my little subconscious ego is having a complete meltdown! I get it. I truly do. I've been pushing my little ego to take steps beyond many boundaries we have set up for ourselves in the past. Steps that take all kinds of risk and could easily put us in "danger" - danger of looking like a fool, being ridiculed, failing, losing all that I have worked for...the list goes on.
Commit, focus, organize, set goals, complete tasks, complete those assignments, have patience, move slow....do whats in front of you....take that leap, go to that meeting, meet those people, apply for that grant, write that business plan, apply for that work exchange (in another country - and I have never travelled anywhere!), speak that truth, be that dream, GO for it! The nudges to step out of my comfort zone have felt endless. No wonder my little ego freaked out!!
I put my head down and charged right through all those old perceived obstacles in my mind. Went right in and right through. Just as Jen talks about in her book, You're a BadAss with Money: "There are a whole bunch of deep seated tricks that will help you unearth your deep-seated, money- repelling subconscious beliefs... one of the most powerful ones is to hurl yourself into the fire. Run face-first toward your biggest fear. Take big audacious action in the direction of your dreams and do not let the fact that you're wetting your pants stop you"
Her book, has actually been pretty "bad ass" with helping me keep a different perspective, develop more courage and learn some tricks to keep moving forward. (This is one of the things I love about Spirit. Messages I need to hear come at exactly the right time - at least they do, when I remain open and am an observer to whats going down within me.)
Well, this bravery and forward movement can work for awhile. But I can tell ya folks..it only works if you allow the space and time to sit down and hear what your little ego is yelling while they're having their temper tantrum. That little ego is screaming for a reason and we better take the time to listen or we are not going to have her on board. If she's not on board that subconscious mind of ours is going to keep pulling out new tricks to sabotage any chance of success or abundance from entering our lives.
Maybe it is time to do some healing work, to pause and clear away any old conditioned thoughts or beliefs that drain energy away from our ability to manifest our heartfelt intentions. Take some time to nourish, re-balance and recharge.Then we can make peace with the ego and move forward once again. Forward from a cleaner, purer, stronger place.
This, for me is when the Tao Oracle came in. I was reminded of the beauty and natural power of gentleness: "There are times when only a gentle approach will do. By progressing slowly, silently and steadily it often happens that the most lasting effects are achieved. In nature the effects of The Gentle can be seen in the winds making patterns in sand dunes, or in flowing water that sculpts the edges of rocks.....The Grand Canyon wasn't created in a day, nor was its beauty sculpted by a dozen different streams crisscrossing themselves at random. Know what you want to accomplish and keep working toward it."
So, how do we choose? How do we "know which way to move? What speed to move forward at?
We listen. We create stillness. We move only when our hearts tell us to and we slow down when the wind changes direction. Yes, sometimes that wind is blowing fiercely and creating deep contours in the sand. Sometimes it is much more subtle. And, yes, we must be attentive to the stronger forces that try to pull us off course. We must be clear of our focus and confident of our purpose. "...experiment with effortless effort, which conserves energy by working from within rather than fixating on outcomes" Then we have the power of the strong gentle force of Nature, one that can take us beyond what we can imagine.
May you all dance with the wildness of the wolves AND step forward with the gentleness of a new born fawn.
Blessings on your Journey my friends!