Yes. This blog post is about me. About my healing process and growth right now.
Perhaps though in the reading you will see yourself here as well.
I am posting this picture with this post this morning as it is representative of me actively stepping into the flow of the river of Life, into the flow of Love, letting go of resistance and being exactly where I am.
I must admit it took a bit of a challenge, some releasing, to get to this place of spending time in my kitchen making food I/my body loves once again.
I awoke this morning, did yoga, sat at my Mesa and without any warning the tears began to flow.
I truly was not prepared for this sadness to come pouring out of me. At the time I wasn’t even clear where they came from. I’ve been feeling happy and accepting the changes that have been unfolding, I’ve been feeling intimately close with Life Herself and trusting in Her movements -radically..…..
and yet I did have a little suspicion.
It has been made clear to me lately that it may be time for me to pause in my studies and experience where I am. Now. This has historically NOT been a comfortable place for me to be. I cannot even remember a time I have not been studying something, a time I have not been proceeding deeper into my soul work. My practice is also a little quieter right now. I am between the time. There is all this empty space.
I felt I had been doing well with allowing things to unfold more slowly. Yet, I also recognize now that a part of me is beginning to find it challenging to allow my practice to birth itself in its own time, especially when I live in a society that reminds me all the time that I “should” always be connected, be posting things regularly, or be developing/offering some new thing.
As one of my friends said recently though, “it may be time you stop collecting the threads to make a blanket and begin to be your own blanket.” Perhaps it is.
Perhaps it is time for me to gather the threads I have gathered over the years and weave my own beautiful blanket. Time for me to be with my Self as I AM and see my own truth, my own power and fuel my own passion. To fully see and to BE in my own truth.
I am so grateful for the tears, for the the release they gave my body. I’ve been so involved in working for the Divine that I have not spent enough time in self care, in preparing food and doing a regular yoga practice, doing things that are about pleasure and relaxation. Practices that are about giving ME love and nurturance.
A lifelong lesson for me it seems.
The tears helped me see how I have been resisting the transition to the next phase of my journey. To being in the ebb, allowing, spending time slowing down and going within.
I had allowed my body to get to a place of stiffness and pain once again, knowing I was feeling it, yet not really stepping through the gateway to take care of it. I am forgiving myself and being gentle with myself for not nurturing my body sooner, before the pain and stiffness got to this point.
I know the resistance. I see the root that has been disturbed. I hear my thoughts cautioning me/alerting me that I must DO something, make something happen for my business for if I don’t keep on working on things, sending things out there “they will forget me”.
“They will forget me. I will be forgotten and left alone, I will be left behind…..”
I hear her and know I need to spend some time with this part of myself. This part of myself that is afraid of abandonment. This part of me that is remembering what it feels like to be abandoned. This part of me that felt so alone and betrayed by everyone when she was young. I must provide space for her to heal….to heal some more. Heal yet another layer.
And so I quiet down
I allow... and I begin to wash dishes
and make apricot bars.
"She" begins to feel nourished and loved
And I begin to see that the one who has been forgetting her and abandoning her has been myself.
It is not about anyone else.
It is about me.
It is about me learning to love and be there for myself
and not forget her in the midst of all the other things in life
And so I begin again to move through yet another layer of learning to love
Love yourselves friends
Your wise self and your wounded parts
All of you
You are worth it
We all are.