Blossoming

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I can barely believe I am sitting here right now.

Friday the 13th. In “Herstory” it is a lucky day. A number associated with the Goddess

That MUST be a good thing

I woke up this morning, initially not realizing, how much of a gap I had today

amidst the constant movement in my life.

Birthing and Creating a new practice is not a quiet existence

At least it hasn’t been... until recently.

Today, It’s a feeling of beauty and peace

blended in

with a little worry and anxiety.

I listen to my thoughts and I hear the worry;

“I don’t have “enough” hours at my day job to pay my rent."

“If I sit here and do nothing I am wasting precious time that continues to flow on by.”

“How am I supposed to get clients if I don’t DO something?!”

“How can this be a LIFE if I sit here and do nothing?!”

 

Initially, my mind wants to think of ways I could fill it. Perhaps with work or spiritual practice….Maybe I could clean the house? Perhaps I “should” go out in nature and makes use of this opportunity. Perhaps I “should” develop something? Create something? Clean something?!

I leave the Facebook posts and messages. I let go of my browsing through the internet of all the fascinating things to read and places I can go.

I just lie there wondering what to do. I am astonished I have NOTHING that feels important to work on or complete for my business. Surely, there must be a million things I “could” be doing?

I continue lying there, petting my cat and staring into space. Being with the fullness of the empty spaces. The fullness of the love for my plants across the room, the dog curled up on the edge of the couch and the remaining scent of burned out incense.

 

I am at a crossroads right now.

I have some choices to make.

 

Write.

“Write your blog” comes through my head

What?

Wait.

Really?

 

I have not written for 5 months! (at least not for another). 

I return to my latest blog and peruse what I had wrote.  It connects me to a pattern I have carried for years. ... Scatteredness, jumping from one thing to the next. Constantly starting new things as soon as I am “finished” with the old

Is it “simply” these things?

Or…..

am I filling the in between spaces, the emptiness with something.

Is focusing on developing myself and always furthering my studies the path of my soul?

Or could it be some form of addiction?

An addiction to always being more, always striving, always moving forward?

Never enough

 

I am at a crossroads right now.

I have some choices to make

 

I had been thinking of furthering my education

once again

 

And yet

This time

I am staying present

with the doubt

 the apprehension

The tiny little fluttering deep in my core

Something is amiss with this

 

Listening

 

Staying present with what is

Allowing wisdom to emerge

From the silence

The spaces

In its own time and composition

 

Something different is unraveling, something different is emerging out of the spaces

 

Yes…

it is challenging.

(however, not the same as before)

 

It goes back to the beginning.

I could never be in these spaces before

I travelled from one addiction to the other

From the depths of alcohol and abuse

to coffee and bread

To doing,

To learning,

To evolving,

 

Yes...

worry of my security and stability sneak in.

How can I AFFORD to live with so few hours and the beginnings of a new practice. How can I possibly survive? I “must” DO something

Must I?

I am the happiest I have ever been

Fun and play are just beginning to be a resounding part of my existence

 

for the first time ever

(well without the constant partying)

 

I really didn’t know how to play

Was too busy surviving and healing

 

I am provided a home and food and clothes

Many privileges

 

AND

 

I am learning to live with peace, spaces

Calm, relaxing and enjoyable days

Peace with what is

and

Trust in the process of life.

Life’s own unfolding

 

Blossoming

 

The days of striving and surviving are disintegrating

I am okay

I am feeling Happy

 

Happy.

Thriving

 

How could I afford NOT TO live with so few hours??

 

I am at a crossroads

I have some choices to make



 

Blessed be your own personal journey

 

To Freedom! <3

On Loving

On Loving

Becoming the Tapestry